My Choice, My Empty Space

November 06, 2018
putus sama pacar

Miaw! 😻

I don't know where to start, 'cause so many thoughts gather in my brain. I'm just listening music by James Arthur which is so related with my feeling right now, in fact, the thought that I'd been saving that memory for a long time suddenly appear 'cause that song. Somehow, even though there is no wind and rain, like I had to look back to the past that I'd closed it tightly. Maybe it's because that was an unfinished problem for me. It's not whose fault, it's about me who haven't forget that problem. Btw, I will using in English for so on. Why? In addition, I'm not really good in English, but writing in English can help my story to be heard widely and it feels more personal but doesn't seem frontal when using this language.

Remembering about 1 year ago, I broke up with him. At that time, our relationship seems look fine, but actually IT WAS NOT really what it looks. There was something different with my feeling. I always hid something wrong to him. I'm not a good liar or maybe I couldn't lie good enough to actually hid it. I've been doing things that I know I shouldn't do. I don't know who I am when I'm beside him. I feel like I'm not myself. I let my ego stand with me. 

So there it was, the truth. The truth has been revealed. We can hide it for a while, but we can't hold it any longer, when we know this relationship is broken, by the fact that we hide something. The relationship that built for almost 7 years has been end. Not because he did something bad to me, 'cause he never did that. It caused I feel it must be stopped. I don't want to lying always and always to myself and him too.

Fast and bad timing
Yap! I met "a new one" no longer after we broke up. Shortly, I met Him first time on 2016. We are like stranger. Don't know each other and don't have a special feeling, of course, at that time, we still with each partnerts. Until I broke up, so does He, we accidentally met. We talk each other, going steady just 7 days and boom! as fast as that, He ask me to be his boyfriend and as fast as that too, I said yes. Sounds simple but actually complicated if I tell everything inside.

Cause that, everyone just know from one side, so that I just got to say what's on my side. Until this moment I still never thought that now I'm with Him. Even if I remembering that time, we are not friends at all. We never talk each other. Even we never, like, NEVER met. There was nothing even just a little in my head. But whatever fate is, until finally we can be together. A lot of perceptions are came to us. Whatever they said, it's clear that it made me hurt. I really understand, because it still in a broken atmosphere. Many parties still don't receive it. So, I accept that.

Life is a choice and we must dare to choose. he was hurt, and also Him too. But I came to a new one to heal His wound, be a medicine to Him and make Him happier than past. Cause I couldn't heal for my ex, in the end, I'm glad he found somebody else, to replace and refill his heart. Maybe it's called fate, whether realize or not, the first choice that hated by many people, however, all stories, good or bad, must have a lesson. Basically, we might something we want but is that also what we need?

It's something I've decided, 'Cause only you could fill my empty space.
Miaw! 😻

Ps: he/him/his : ex
      He/Him/His : now

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