Welcome, 23!

March 11, 2019

Happy birthday to me!

I've always love my birthday! And I've always feel gratefull 'cause without The God who blew my soul and my parents who create me with all their love, of course I can't be exist. Yeah!

Today is my birthday, but..

I don't feel like I'm supposed to be happy or excited. It's not like when I was a kid. Play, sleep, eat, and go somewhere without have any problem, or thinking about how suck the life is. There was nothing more exciting to me than thinking about growing up and getting older and having so many birthdays ahead. Or when I'm still teenager and was a student. My problem still just around friends, and how suck study is. But, now. When I'm not as a child or teenager, I start to feel nervous about the future..

I'm 23 years old. That number will just a number. But, the fact, because that number, my thoughs and everything has changed. I'm getting older and older, but extremely haven't got a clue what I need to try and do with my life. I feel like giving up, but I'm not going to because I'm a fighter. I'm afraid of everything front of me, even I don't know what thing that I should to be afraid. Life is so painful, even day to day. I'm extremely frustrated at the moment because I really don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm not happy because I'm confused. It's really stressing me out, and that I simply don't want to think about it to be honest. I just don't have a concrete plan on what I want to do.

I feel like..

I'm lost..

But the fact that I'm lost right now tells me something. It tells me that my life as it has been is not my life as it will be. It tells me that I'm not the kind of person who settles for okay or sort of good enough. The fact that I'm lost tells me that I would rather be living in the middle of uncertainty than dead-set on something that makes me consistently miserable. I realize how rare that really is. How few people still give a shit about doing one thing meaningful with their lives. How many more people we need who are just like me–lost and reeling, yet still pushing themselves to do better. I'm lost because I care. I'm lost because I'm passionate. I'm lost because I know that there is more inside of me than what I'm currently offering the world and that is a brilliant thing to know.

So right now, I just let myself be a little bit lost. Because I don’t get found by staying comfortable. I don’t get found by running away. I don’t get found by fighting my deepest impulses and I definitely don’t get found by hiding out. I get found by doing exactly what it is that I'm doing right now–which is delving right into the heart of my life and fighting like hell for what matters.

I don't have to be happy because it's okay to feel anxious or down, but I will make it this year in this world and at least make it valuable even if it's not joyful. That's life.

If I'm never lost, I never get found.

And I'm the kind of person worth searching for.

See you on my next post, bye-bye!

Miaw! 😻

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